My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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