I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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