It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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