i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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