I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
They have beer where we have blood.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
