I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
