I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
