My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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