yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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