dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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