I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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