I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
