my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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