My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
