If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
