I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
