Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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