did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
