No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
