like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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