woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dignity is for republicans.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
