Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
