to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My ATM looks so different sober.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
