Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
