Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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