yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
