Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
