im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
false alarm. still invincible.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
