Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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