I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
