Christians are straight up FREAKS
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
