Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
