My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
