So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
