Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
