Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
