Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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