highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
