So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
