Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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