Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
