And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
