Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
