she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
