i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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