There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
