In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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