I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
