i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
