Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
