I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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