by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
