Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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