I could make wine with my vomit
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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