my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Please, let me fuck your mom
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
