So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
