WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
