so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
